Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Highlights & What I Learned at Wicked 2014

1. People in the book community who've never read my work or even seen me on FB are still somehow able to recognize me and will say things like, "Oh! You're Jenn Cooksey! You're the shark chick!"

2. No matter how loud you yell or annunciate, there's a 99% probability rate that Tara Sivec and I will still confuse words like drink for things that don't sound anything like it. For example; drain and train, or, um...brown sugar. 

3. No fault and zero liability clauses in regard to attending book signings should probably be written into prenuptial agreements. 

4. There're so many wonderfully talented and amazing authors out there that if I keep falling in love with them when I meet them like I did this weekend, I'm gonna need a bigger boat. Er...bookcase.

5. Drunk foreigners shouting cheesecake amid other slurred phrases will induce Buffy to have sudden onset asthma attacks even though she doesn't have asthma. 

6. I REALLY need to start wearing waterproof mascara because tears brought on by laughter or sentiment are inevitable at events like this, and mascara dripping into your eyes...well, that shit fuckin' hurts, you know?

7. No matter where you are, a member of the Sivec family will stalk--I mean find you, but you'll be cool with it because they genuinely make you feel like you're family.

8. If you put your freshly shaven legs in the Atlantic Ocean, it'll burn just as much as it does when you do it in the Pacific Ocean.

9. Dawn Robertson might be more into My Little Pony than my girls were back when they were all still under the age of 10, and can rock a kimono, MLP underoos, and tube socks like no one's business.

10. Vibrator races are real. And witnessing them should be on every self-respecting person's bucket list.

11. If you don't wake up at 1:30 in the morning on a Sunday to party with your drunk neighbors, there's a good chance they'll leave a calling card in the form of a penis shoved under your door.

12. There will never be enough time to meet, talk to, and hang out with all the people you want to. (Like you, Tiffany King, Adam Kunz and Amanda Jason, C.C. Wood, Jasinda and Jack Wilder, Aleatha Romig, Jillian Dodd, Laurel Curtis, R.K. Lilley, and Kendall Gray. Not to mention all the fucking amazing volunteers, bloggers, and readers who came out.)

13. A full grown man can easily be caveman-tossed over a woman's shoulder and carried onto a stage when free books are on the line.

14. Even grown-ass adult women can get giddy over rubber duckies and will wear a unicorn headband proudly in public.

15. If I'm asked to pose for a picture with a "flat dom.", my first impulse will be to spank my own ass with a stranger's face, and I also apparently won't hesitate or question biting someone's nipple ring, faux or not, if a camera is involved in any way.

16. Signings make a girl parched so it's best to pretend you were a Girl Scout and be prepared in whatever way you can be; i.e., have on hand at all times The. Most. Fucking Awesome (and now tax deductible). Unicorn Flask. EVER.

17. You know you have phenomenal fans when they love and know you well enough to give you more than 2 hours to come up with something special to write in a book and then sit down with you and flip through said book looking for a good quote to use when after 3 hours have gone by and you STILL haven't been able to make a damned decision. Oh and they bring you licorice.

18. 20,000+ women and I don't even know how many men would give their eyeteeth to be me in the below picture even though I clearly haven't learned the lesson that I CANNOT get away with making the duck face. Seriously, do the planet a favor and set up an intervention or tackle me to the ground the next time it looks like I'm about to pucker for a camera instead of saying cheese, regardless of whose boobs I have my hands on.

19. You know your event organizer is badass when she stays up until 5:30 in the morning to make sure everything is taken care of, and her volunteers work their asses off to help make the event a smashing success instead of taking even a small break to get the books from their fave authors signed.

20. I have one of the most loving and supportive families a person could ever dream of.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

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Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Pictures of the Highlights & What I learned at the 2014 #NOLA Author Event

My 2014 NOLA Haul
The NOLA Event weekend started out on Thursday for me. I flew out of hell on a jet plane and landed in New Orleans a few short hours later, where a horde of us spontaneously threw a party in baggage claim. From there I was take to Baton Rouge where a fan who has become a dear friend opened up her home to me for the night. We celebrated her husband's Jesus Birthday at a Brazilian steak house and not only can I now personally attest to the fact that every single bite of food is fucking mouthwatering at that place, but also believe me when I say that "meat sweats" are real. After dinner, I "helped" my amazing friend wrap approximately 200 homemade bourbon caramels and bake up about 12 dozen chocolate chip BACON cookies that I would eventually hand out at the signing. So any of you who experienced and loved the fruit of that awesomesauce labor, you can just thank Laura and hope and pray that I do more signings close to NOLA, because she's offered to make them for me again. ;-)
From there she chauffeured my ass all over Baton Rouge, aiding me in my search for some significant snacks to include in my exclusive swag bundle and once that was over, I made it to the W Hotel in New Orleans, where I promptly felt justified in ripping the beer bottle out of Tara Sivec's hand and totally draining it. It's cool though because it'd been a longass day and Tara is like, my fave author aside from myself, and she's also a great friend so I wasn't too terribly concerned that she'd jump on my back and wrestle me to the ground in a balls-out rescue mission for her stolen alcohol. (Word to the wise...I'm a professional and stealing Tara's booze should not be attempted without the proper training and education, because she'll totally cut a bitch. Fact.)

Now, time for my
"What I learned at the 2014 NOLA Author Event"...
(to see pix, scroll to the bottom of this post)

* Trinity Higinbotham is completely amazeballs in every way and I want to keep her for my very own. Also, if you send Trinity away, they will come.

* There really are no words to describe what it’s like to be friends with someone as genuine, giving, and compassionate as Tara Sivec, although I think we might’ve shared a womb at some point, and if so, she clearly stole all the good genes from me. And just so you know, if you’re taking a picture with her and she tells you to mount her, you do it. No. Questions. Asked.

* Meeting Buffy will make you feel like you’re meeting the best friend you always wished for. And seeing her with her husband, Chuck, is akin to seeing what true love looks like in real life.

* Partying on Bourbon St. is like partying in Tijuana. Smell and solicitation included.

* James Sivec is like a two-year-old when it comes to touching people and other shit he shouldn’t, and he should probably look into getting tested for Hep. C...at minimum.

* Kristen Proby will introduce herself by modestly saying, “Hi, I’m Kristen,” which subsequently makes you look like a ginormous asshole when your blank expression forces her to follow up her introduction with a woebegone smile and saying, “I’m an author,” because you suck and didn’t realize that she’s the KRISTEN FUCKING PROBY.

* Even if you don’t want one, Karina Halle will make you do shots. Partly because she’ll just shove it in your hand anyway, and partly because it’s next to impossible to not be captivated by her and not do anything she might tell you to do. (I’m almost afraid to go to Vegas with her this month. Almost.)

* Melissa Brown has the most joyous laugh I think I’ve ever heard, and Tiffany King, is one of those people who just emanates kindness, making them two of THE sweetest people on the planet...they’re like the sugar cookies of people in the jar that is the world.

* Unless you want to look like an asshole (AGAIN), don’t ask Jamie Sager Hall why she’s not signing, because contrary to what you might think, she is NOT an author. Neither is Tressa Sager. They are both, however, a hoot and a half to hang out with and are awesomesauce people.

* Meeting the “swagalicious motherfucker” (<—moniker bestowed by my husband), Fred LeBaron, is on a plethora of people’s bucket lists for a reason, and that reason is; he can make a girl feel beautiful inside and out by just smiling at her and saying her name, and he’s one of the most genuinely good-hearted people anyone can ever hope to meet. Plus, he really IS swagalicious.

* I somehow completely missed out on knowing that Madison Seidler was there. (Asshole item #3)

* If you have to share a table, share one with Erin Noelle. She’s super sweet and doesn’t look at you like you’re an escaped mental patient when your shit totally overflows onto her side. Bonus points for sharing a name with not one, but two of my minions.

* Sharing a 15 minute taxi ride with Sandi Lynn told me that she’s truly a first class lady who puts her family ahead of what she wants, and her generosity of spirit is something to aspire to.

* Even if I’m on my best-ish behavior, Lindsay Sparkes will still blame me when the fire trucks and ambulances show up. (It wasn’t my fault, I SWEAR!!!!)

* Beth Ehleman is a kick in the pants and also puts the Tooth Fairy to shame.

        * When Shelly White Collins gets her fangirl on for you, it         makes you feel like a legitimate celebrity.

* Tarryn Fisher really is as gorgeous as her pictures make her look.

* Every time you see her, Happy Driggs is happy. Like, all the fucking time. It’s not natural.

* Barbie Bohrman will try to get you to spill super secret details about your WIP. And you’ll be uber-tempted to do it.

* When it comes to NO Mardi Gras beads, CSI does NOT stand for Crime Scene Investigator so make sure you read all the beads carefully before you get home and present them to your 13-year-old aspiring forensic medical examiner as a souvenir.

* In New Orleans, Arby’s is open until 4am on Saturdays. Thank GOD.

* A $1 bottle of Dr. Pepper will cost $4 at the airport.

* Regardless of others’ success, I can’t pull this shit off so I should NEVER take selfies OR make the duck face. EVER.

* I have some of THE most phenomenal readers ever and some of them, like Laura Agra, will bend over backwards for you, giving new meaning to what a diehard GYP fan is. (Everyone who was lucky enough to get in on the Bacon chocolate chip cookies and bourbon caramels, you all have Laura to thank!)

* When you fly home on a sold out flight that is making 2 other stops after yours, it’s not impossible that you’ll end up having to take the last seat available and squeezing in between 2 rather large men in the very back of the plane, who also happen to be a super nice gay couple who literally only live 5 miles from you and take their dogs to the same dog park that you take yours to.

* And finally, my heartfelt thanks and appreciation go to the ladies of Beauty Books & Brains, Janna, Nina, and Lindsay, who seriously know their shit, are too damned pretty, and put on a kickass event that makes you wish they would plan things for every weekend of the year from now until the end of forever. *Gives you gals a standing ovation*






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